Step 1: Collect your sexy partner or other travelling companion, maps and other essentials.
Step 2: Buy a run-down Toyota Hi Ace and have someone else convert it into a campervan with a bed in back. Buy bins for clothes, medical gear, food tins. Buy a large esky; this will come in handy later.
Step 3: Go to a fabulous music festival for six days. Pick brains of locals for advice on good places to visit up north; this will come in handy later. At the end of the festival, stop by the organic fruit vendor and stock up on leftover pineapples (5 for $5), and sweet lady finger bananas (50 cents each). Place into esky along with block ice bought at general store (told you this would come in handy).
Step 4: Stop at a good friend’s place in Bribie Island for a day or so. Install vents into van to avoid severe Queensland heat. Buy eggs, corn thins, lemon barley water and other items from IGA. Hard boil eggs and place into esky (didn’t say a thing).
Step 5: Head north. When tired, follow signs to Coolum Beach. At end of road, turn left towards Noosa. Pull into some creek road and park near estuary. Sleep. Wake at dawn to gorgeous sands and beautiful view (unfortunately, also high winds).
Step 6: Continue north. About 8km north of Gympie, follow tiny signs for Swiss Café (Tues-Sat only). Drive up dirt road for 500m or so. Admire wallabies. Admire cows. Order amazing roesti (fried potato dish with fried egg and swiss cheese, oh my) and good coffee.
Step 7: Search maps for secret locations mentioned by insiders. Find some but not all. Resolve to follow serendipity. Stop by the side of the road and buy a case of mangoes, a few rockmelons, and a kilo of lychees; these will come in handy later.
Step 8: Continue north. Detour via Bundaberg for brewed ginger beer. Discover they make many more things than ginger beer. Pick up flyer for turtle conservation park. Eat at gourmet café Rosie Blu on Bourbong St (excellent sundried tomato and fetta salad with salt-and-pepper pumpkin; reasonable mediterranean roast vegetable baguette). Buy a solar camp shower; this will come in handy later. Resolve to come back later for turtles and keep heading north.
Step 9: Cross the tropic of Capricorn just south of Rockhampton. Cheer loudly.
Step 10: Pass through Rockhampton. Do not stop, do not collect $200.
Step 11: Stop for petrol further up the road. By chance, spot fridge magnet for secret location mentioned by insider at festival (told you this would come in handy later). Learn that secret location is 100km down dirt road. Advised that, as it is dusk and there are roos on that road, it would be a bad idea to attempt it now. Foolhardy as you are, go for it anyway.
Step 12: After 2 hours, arrive at secret location. Do not, under any circumstances, park near the river mouth past the camp site in future. You WILL be eaten alive by sandflies and suffer the consequences days later. Instead, park near the other beach. Shower using the camp shower (bliss).
Step 13: Spend a few days basking in utter tranquillity. You will have the entire beach to yourself most of the time. Be careful, because you are sharing it with loggerhead turtles. When bored, head down to another completely empty beach and pick oysters from the rocks. Eat. Wake at dawn, make a fruit salad of pineapple, melon, lychees and mango. Eat while staring at completely empty beach, crystal clear aquamarine water and blue sky. Drink brewed peach ale from Bundaberg. Remember that life can be really good when you let it be really simple. Collect shells.
Step 14: Buy more block ice; this will come in handy later. Leave secret location reluctantly. Swear not to reveal the secret to anyone. Decide to name van Serendipity. Travel south.
Step 15: To make leaving easier, indulge base urges in Rockhampton. This may include stopping at the Hog’s Breath Café for curly fries and Cold Rock for wicked ice cream.
Step 16: Drive full pelt for Bundaberg knowing that turtle tours book out at start at 7pm. Miss turnoff, have a stupid argument and agree to take a backroad back to the secondary road further down; this will become significant very soon.
Step 17: Spot bushfire on backroad. Turn off intended route to Bundaberg to inform someone. The someone will turn out to be an old coot with a boat full of fresh caught crabs. He will give you a whole live crab. Put it in your esky; told you the ice and the esky would come in handy! Gape at the idea that there is a live crab in your esky for a while and the bizarre set of coincidences that led to it being there. Thank Serendipity.
Step 18: Arrive at Bundaberg. Head east. At Bargara public school, turn left into Potters Road. Follow signs to Mon Repos turtle rookery. Park van into late arrivals zone in Turtle Sands caravan park (be aware, the entrance is outside the national park as it is a private venture). Follow the flashing lights down the jet black path to the information centre and beg into the last group of turtle watchers for the night.
Step 19: Be absolutely amazed by the enormous loggerhead turtle who comes up onto the beach under the yellow moon to lay more than 100 translucent leathery ping-pong ball eggs, patiently perched over the hole she has dug while researchers measure her carapace and check which one she is and whether she’s been there before. Learn more about turtle reproduction than you ever knew before.
Step 20: Wake up and have hot showers at Turtle Sands. You will be forgiven for overindulging here. Head into Bundaberg for breakfast. We recommend Our Place, Your Place on Bourbong Road; local, fresh foods, organic where possible, gluten-free options available, a range of home-made ice-creams that have to be seen to be believed. Scrambled eggs, mushrooms, avocado, excellent latte. Partner will have free-range bacon and eggs, extra large watermelon juice. Go back to Bundaberg Barrel Brewed Soft Drinks. Buy cases of soft drink.
Step 21: Head south. Stop again at the Swiss Café outside of Gympie. Why not? This time, have mushroom ragout and a selection of salads. Head south.
Step 22: Arrive Brisbane. Remove crab from esky. Take crab to excellent old friend morganjaffit for dinner. Eat crab (drool; literally: Morgan did). Invite other excellent old friend sniffytherabbit to join for drinks. Share the brewed Bundy joy. Enjoy Morgitos (Morgan-made mojitos; mmm).
Step 23: Follow sniffytherabbit home. Avail selves of clotheswashing facilities and real bed. Type up journal entry so lengthy no one will get this far.
Next stop: Lamington National Park, then Mullumbimby to stay with Melinda, then the national park near Dorrigo then Sydney for Coenstock. Stay tuned.